Internet Picture Saturday

Youtubing: I think it's official, I love Charlie Brooker

Well, damn.

"That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write 'Fuck you' right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say 'Holden Caulfield' on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died and then right under that it'll say 'Fuck you.' I'm positive, in fact."

--J. D. Salinger

Liveblogging a Drinking Challenge

So, at 2am GMT, Obama is doing the state of the union address. I wouldn't ordinarily care, at all, but this year, in collaboration with a bunch of folks from the forum I frequent, I'm going to play the State of the Union Address Drinking Game. The rules are right here. The game, and the speech is expected to last an hour. In the entirely likely event of my death, this post will also serve as my last will and testament.

2:00am: State of the Union is meant to begin. Beer One is open and being drunk.

2:05am: Beer One is starting to get a bit low, but the president is here!

2:06am: Oh shit guys, this could hurt.

2:14am: Nancy Pelosi does not have a face. That is some kind of solid mask.

2:15am: HOPE and CHANGE are going to be big killers.

2:20am: Joe Biden and Pelosi are wearing PURPLE TIES. This is a sign of UNITY because it combines RED and BLUE. SYMBOLISM.

2:22am: TAXES TAXES TAXES TAXES HGBLUGBLUG

2:24am: Oh man, standing ovations are up to five.

2:27am: SMALL BUSINESSES. WALL STREET. BLARGH.

2:30am: Obama is all like "Health Care? Fuck you Republicans, I'm just gonna pass it, and you can just deal."

2:32am: Standing ovations count: seven.

2:35am: "Hey, all banks. FUCK YOU. GIVE US MONEY"

2:38am: Bipartisan policies, yo.

2:40am: Standing ovations count: eleven.

2:41am: PANAMA! PANAMAHAHAHAAAAAA! VAN HALEN RULES

2:44am: Barack just broke out the comedy. Hell Yes.

2:46am: Big shout-out to Michelle Obama. Barack clapped his own point for the first time 'cos he knows he's getting laid.

2:48am: Standing ovations is around seventeen Eighteen.

2:50am: McCain looks like hell. Daaamn.

2:52am: Fiscal Responsibility. This is important. There are plenty of numbers being thrown around here.

2:55am: Barack just totally laid into the senate. 'Fuck you guys, I'll just do it myself.'

2:57am: Now he's dissing the Supreme Court. Obama is THE MAN.

3.01am: Barack just cracked a joke and no-one laughed. Fantastic.

3:06am: Standing ovation from everyone except the Joint Chiefs, because Barack Obama just committed to pull out of Afghanistan, or somewhere like that.

3:14am: Barack is a GOOD DAMN COP, BUT HE DOES'T PLAY BY THE RULES, DAMMIT.

3:16am: Story Time! A little kid sent Obama his allowance money and told him to give it to Haiti. D'AWWWWW.

3:21am: We've just finished the speech. I'm pretty trashed. There are many beer cans here. And now I think we have the Republican response. I'm gonna pass out soon.

3:27am: VIRGINIA governor Bob McDonell is providing the response. IN VIRGINIAS CAPITAL. My contact in the USA informs me that his sons are 'hot'.

3:32am: Man, this guy just cannot match Obama. He just got a standing ovation, but I don't think it was a good one.

3:35am: Yep, decided I don't care about the repub response. Gonna post this and bail.

WOO OBAMA

My brain feels a little fried.

I've got 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins stuck in my head, and it will not go away. I've resorted to downloading it, but playing it over and over again is not working anymore. As a result, I think I'm going mildly insane.

Anyways, I've finally gotten round to downloading Arrested Development, and I'm working my way through that, astounded at how it's practically note-perfect, not a single missed step, balancing awkwardness, hilarity, and genuine emotion in the same minute. I'm starting to suspect there's something wrong here, it seems far too good for an American series, but it's going on far too long to be British. It's outstanding though. I'm understanding why people have been recommending it for bloody ages, but obviously they should have forced me ever harder.

Also, Steam is being a bastard, constantly offering brilliant deals. This game Psychonauts, which I've heard nothing but universal praise for, is going for a single English pound. Even if I wasn't facing the prospect of active employment that's starting next week, I'd still buy it, because for a quid, any game is worth it. Except maybe Starship Troopers. Two pounds that cost me, and I'm still convinced they should be paying me to play it.

HOLY FUCK THIS SONG WON'T GO AWAY

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

AAAAAAAAAA

(500) Days of Summer is a really good film.

It's always great when you catch a film that you've heard almost nothing about, and it's really good. Things like Iron Man 2, yeah I'm excited, but if pushed, I could give you a pretty good plot outline and a breakdown of every key scene. It doesn't tarnish the enjoyment of the film, but it does mean I'll sit in the theatre going 'right, so I still haven't seen that bit from the trailer, so obviously that dude can't die, and we've still got to see the big finale so that's another 45 minutes, call it an hour tops' and that's all I can think about for the entire movie.

So, when I see a flick like 500 Days, it's always great to be a little bit lost, a little bit unsure where the plot is going to lead, and what's going to happen. Plus, it's co-starring Zooey Deschanel, who I think I'm actually in love with, so that's another big plus for it. This film is not your average romantic comedy, and I say that as someone who actively loathes the genre, just for the sheer volume of crap that it manages to generate. The only other film I've seen recently in this genre that was actually decent was Definitely, Maybe, and I think I was predicated towards that thanks to Ryan Reynolds, who I would turn gay for so quickly that it'd cause sonic booms.

Anyway, 500 Days. It's got this wonderful narrative that skips back and forth all over the titular time period, and is great to watch on some form of portable media as opposed to the big screen, simply because you can skip backwards and forwards, seeing scenes repeat themselves with fresh perspective, and watching others with a sense of dread, as you know where they're building to. To be honest, I was sold on this film from the start, the rest was just backing up my initial impressions. The film opens on a title:


AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead
is purely coincidental.

Especially you Jenny Beckman.


Bitch.

Internet Picture Saturday

Youtubing: This is the death of Popular Culture as we know it.

Grand Theft Auto? More like Grand Theft...of my Heart

So, because I've got my finger on the pulse of popular culture I got GTA IV over Christmas, and finished it a week ago. And it's been stuck in my head for a while, more than any game where you can murder prostitutes should have any right to.

I think that it's the first time that I've ever been properly emotionally connected to a video game character, which is a big step. I mean, normally, you're playing as generic Space Marine #40024, and you're called something like Slab Bulkhead, Thick McRunfast, Punch Rockgroin or Big McLargeHuge, and you're tasked with fighting some kind of generic evil. The GTA games are tough to find some kind of emotional connection, especially given that the character is some kind of blank slate for you to act out your sociopathic impulses. What truly helps is the sheer level of production detail that's gone into this world. Not only the realism of the city, but the way cars move, crowds react. More than any other open-world, this feels like a living place.

Anyway, you're playing as Niko Bellic, you've got some kind of haunted past, and you turn up in Liberty City, lured by promises of riches and glory from your cousin, Roman. From there, it's standard GTA, working your way up the criminal ladder, as Niko searches for a dude who wronged him in the past, during the Yugoslav war. The first time I actually felt a little weirded out is when you end up killing the first dude you work for. Niko, shooting a dude in the head, uses his other hand to shield himself from the blood spray. It''s a kind of sick detail that made sense, built character, and genuinely rocks.

Man, the ending though. That's some heavy hitting stuff. The entire game builds up to you finding a dude who seriously screwed you over back in the old country. As a gamer, you assume this will be an epic gunfight, thousands of mooks, culminating in a final fight that has at least 20 explosions. Instead, you get a phone call in-game, drive down to the airport, and then have to choose for yourself. Kill him, or let him live. It's tough, because you see this guy, and he's a wreck, addled with drugs and disease.

So, you choose either way, and shortly after, you get a call from your cousin, who's getting married. 'Ah' one thinks. 'Happy epilogue mission, this should be fine' Unfortunately, it's not. Depending on your choices ingame, someone that Niko cares about gets gunned down, dying right on the steps of the church. Then, you get the big finale mission, hundreds of mooks, big car/boat chase, and a final fight. Which you win, obviously.

But then, seeing Niko at the end, with absolutely no happiness to look for, really stands out as a metaphor for the hollow nature of the American dream, the empty nature of the immigrant experience, and the knowledge that no matter what, all actions have consequences.

Of course, immediately afterwards, you call up Little Jacob, get drunk, and run over hookers. But still, it's not a bad shot.

So, this is pretty cool

It's all very artsy and stuff, cool shots of architecture and whatnot.



Then, of course, you see this making of video and realise the entire bloody thing is CGI. I mean, that's just terrifyingly impressive there. I mean, I was impressed by Avatar and District 9, but this is just amazing.


Edit: link to the original video file. 904MB for 12 mins of video. I'm downloading it and using it as a desktop.

Butt Metal

Have you heard of a band called Steel Panther? They are truly the greatest band. This is because they take all the best attributes of 80's bands, the hilarious hair, the indulgent guitar solos, the overly emotional sweet songs that are actually totally about sex, and then turns them all the way up to eleven.

For example, in the song Community Property, we start with this sappy acoustic guitar, and a dude singing 'I would give you the stars in the sky/But they're too far away' which is all very nice, then we shift into 'If you were a hooker, you'd know/I'd be happy to pay' and we know something's changed, especially when followed up with 'If suddenly you were a guy/I'd be suddenly gay. Still, it's a love song, if a bit unconventional and humorous. Then we hit the chorus.

'Cause my heart belongs to you
My love is pure and true
My heart belongs to you
But my cock is community property

And oh man, you just know you're in for a treat.

Still, the only way to truly appreciate fine music is to listen. So, go forth, and embrace the majesty that is...STEEL PANTHER

Welcome, to the real world.

Today was a big day. I woke up at regular people time, went to London in an actual suit, and got myself one of those real person jobs. It's all very exciting. And terrifying, naturally. So, starting February 1st, I'm gonna be the guy who you call when your computer isn't working. I'm guessing roughly 90% of my time will be spent telling people "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

So yeah, this is a pretty big deal. I'm going to be doing an actual, full-time job for actual money. I'm concerned that this may hinder my television and movie watching. Still, there's a couple of weeks. I'm working on Arrested Development, which is rocking my world so far, and I'm going to do some tinkering with the site as well. I anticipate that this may be tricky what with the impendng demands of real life, but hell, I've been learning how to properly waste time for about 22 years now. I'm sure we'll be fine.

Well, I did call this The Useless Ambition for a reason.

So, well, here we are then It's been a while. As you might guess, I pretty much failed the challenge real hard. BUT. New Year's and all that, it's a time of change, and naturally I've vowed to start writing more, again, so I've decided to give this blog thing another go.

I'm in the process of inventing a rough kind of schedule that will mean an update of some kind every weekday. It's probably not going to be 200 words a day, and it's likely not to be adhering to the original rules of the challenge, but I figure anything that provides some sort of structure will be good.

Plans include amusing drunken stories (of which I have a few), stuff I find online that's hilarious/informative/awesome, and of course, boring drivel about the life of me.

At some point there will be a tedious and long winded post about why I stopped doing the updates, which I invite all to ignore when it comes up.

So, let's get this old girl started up again.